Old friend

The more I miss you, the more I hate you.
Every memory I have of us laughing just inspires seething anger in me.
For every time I giggle to myself about the silly things we did.
The happy moments.
The things we talked about.
Boys, music, God….. I snap out of it and remember that it is no more.
For every time something happens and for a split second I think I’m going to tell you…
Reality comes back and mocks me.
It reminds me that I no longer have the place.
That it’s no longer my place.
That you heart in no longer my space.
That I was fool for believing in forever.
That we were special
We transcended the norm.
Broke the rules
Existed where and when we shouldn’t have.
Now you’re just a sore.
A scar that won’t heal.
I see you.
In my dreams even.
Laughing as we used to. Inappropriately most of the time but we knew.
Only we knew.
Our language, our style, our synchronised thinking.
I think of the days we comforted each other and I get an ache in my heart that just goes back to hate.
To wondering who the fuck you think you are to fuck me up like this.
To just be a part of the statistics of people who’ve left me.
The many lovers you’ve had to comfort me for when they too realised my time is up.
For whatever mistake or short-coming on my part.
For whatever imperfection.
For the ugly fucked up mess I was. You’re one of them now.
You knew my fears.
My aspirations, my lies and my truths. My truth.
You knew me.
You left anyway.
You defied the very laws WE defied. You made the impossible materialise.
You made my fears come to light.
You left me. Alone.
You made me cry the same tears you’d wiped before.
The same anger you’ve had to calm me down from, you inspired it.
Where is wine for this?
Where are movies and hot wings?
Where are the Deluxe shakes and the McFlurries?
Where are the super hot chips downed with Savannas that were tools to mend broken hearts?
Where do I turn to when I turned to you.
Who do I bitch to now when you’re now the bitch who fucked me?

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