I want to be ready

This is not a good piece. It’s not even a piece that I worked on. It’s not my best writing but I just had thoughts in my mind and I wanted to put them down. It’s not creative or beautifully done. This is at best, a description of my mind for a few minutes. This is supposed to make one feel and think how I’M feeling and thinking I guess. I’m hoping that someone out there can relate. Ok here goes…..

I spend a lot of time, I mean A LOT of time imagining my loved ones dying then I imagine the feelings. I guess I’m preparing so it doesn’t shock me like my mother’s death did. I foolishly think that it will help. That if I keep doing this rehearsal then it won’t be so bad. I’ll be prepared. I won’t go into a spin and have myself so damaged that it takes 14 years to recover, well relatively recover.

Sometimes I imagine the deaths and I imagine myself get as dramatic as possible, maybe faint or something. Sometimes I imagine myself not reacting until days after. I play out different scenarios and reactions. I do this over and over in my head until I sometimes literally cry about it. Then I feel stupid and crazy. When I step outside myself, I see it as highly disturbing and I feel guilty. Not just because it’s messed up but because I know how powerful the mind is. I know how we can think things to reality. When THAT’s done, I feel ridiculous for imagining that I have that much power.

I’ve been doing this for longer than I can remember, I don’t just do it with family but friends too. I don’t know how to stop, hell I don’t know if I even WANT to stop. It’s just one of those things. Things that my mind fucks me with but at the same time I can see the rationale behind it. I can see how it makes sense, what I can’t see is whether or not it will work. Then again, for it to work, someone would have to die. What kind of mind thinks things like this?

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One thought on “I want to be ready

  1. I do it too. And it is rational, a defence mechanism. Not only with death but also with relationship.. especially when one knows that it may end soon. It prepares you mentally for it.

    Obviously with all things, one shouldnt let it consume u. Only activate this “mechanism” when it is necessary.

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