This is not a good piece. It’s not even a piece that I worked on. It’s not my best writing but I just had thoughts in my mind and I wanted to put them down. It’s not creative or beautifully done. This is at best, a description of my mind for a few minutes. This is supposed to make one feel and think how I’M feeling and thinking I guess. I’m hoping that someone out there can relate. Ok here goes…..
I spend a lot of time, I mean A LOT of time imagining my loved ones dying then I imagine the feelings. I guess I’m preparing so it doesn’t shock me like my mother’s death did. I foolishly think that it will help. That if I keep doing this rehearsal then it won’t be so bad. I’ll be prepared. I won’t go into a spin and have myself so damaged that it takes 14 years to recover, well relatively recover.
Sometimes I imagine the deaths and I imagine myself get as dramatic as possible, maybe faint or something. Sometimes I imagine myself not reacting until days after. I play out different scenarios and reactions. I do this over and over in my head until I sometimes literally cry about it. Then I feel stupid and crazy. When I step outside myself, I see it as highly disturbing and I feel guilty. Not just because it’s messed up but because I know how powerful the mind is. I know how we can think things to reality. When THAT’s done, I feel ridiculous for imagining that I have that much power.
I’ve been doing this for longer than I can remember, I don’t just do it with family but friends too. I don’t know how to stop, hell I don’t know if I even WANT to stop. It’s just one of those things. Things that my mind fucks me with but at the same time I can see the rationale behind it. I can see how it makes sense, what I can’t see is whether or not it will work. Then again, for it to work, someone would have to die. What kind of mind thinks things like this?